Virtue, or Whatever
by lets waltz
Summary: Set in the Verse Chorus Verse universe. The story of Jay and Emma.


So, after an impossibly long hiatus, I'm returning to fanfiction. To make it up to my loyal Verse Chorus Verse readers, here's the one shot about Jay and Emma getting together I promised long ago. Chapter 14 of Verse will be along soon. (Promises, promises...I know.)

I hope you all enjoy it.

I rushed over to the door, "Jesus, Manny, I'm coming"

"I'm not Manny," the voice boomed as I opened the door.

"Jay. Hi. Um…Sean's not here."

"I know…can I come in?"

"I. Didn't you just—Sean's out, Jay."

"I came to talk to you."

"What do we have to talk about?" I asked nervously. I couldn't see this going anywhere good. "I mean. The past that's…that's all water under the bridge."

"_You'll snap in half if you don't relax."_

"But it's not, Emma. I'm not. This isn't about what happened really. I just—you did have virtue—"

"Or whatever, yeah, I know."

"No, not whatever. Virtue. You wanted to see the better side of me. And. And you brought it out and I can't—" his voice became ragged, "I can't put it back in."

"That's sweet and all, but those weren't my intentions. I felt fucked up and I wanted to revel in it. It had nothing to do with your softer side. I used you. Sure, Jay, you gave me the opportunity, but I took advantage of you. Don't get things confused."

"I'm not confused Emma. What you said to me that night, at the play—"

"I was pissed. You ended things with Alex and suddenly you wanted me back? My soft blonde hair, my gentle words, my warm, open mouth. I must've given good head, to have you all dreamy-eyed over me."

"Don't. It wasn't like that."

"What was it like?

"It was…you remember in the library, when Simpson caught us. I said, "I don't like being played." I was hooking up with you, Alex, Amy, and like eight other girls. But one little kiss and I just lost it. I watched you with him and I just. I couldn't even fathom the idea of you with someone else. Wearing someone else's bracelet or. Another guy's arm over your shoulder."

"You weren't _with _me, Jay. You didn't get to be concerned."

"That's what I'm saying. But I was. I AM. Don't you get it…"

"I can honestly say that, no, I don't get it."

"I can't stop thinking about you. My best friend's girl and I'm—so monumentally fucked."

"Jay, look. You can leave, right? And Manny's on her way over and we can pretend this whole thing didn't happen. Like a dream…"

"You dream this kind of thing a lot? My coming over here and professing my undying lo—like for you."

"And no, Jay, I don't dream of this often. Because I'm with Sean. You remember him, right? About this tall, trusts you unconditionally despite constantly being let down? Let's you crash in our apartment without a single question at four in the morning when you show up with black eyes and broken arms and—damnit Jay, you don't get to do this."

"Do what? What am I doing? I want to be a better person. For you, Em. I can—I can change, okay?"

"You have to leave. Manny's on her way over and we're meeting Sean in an hour and. Look, I won't tell anyone you were here."

"You mean that you won't tell Sean. But…go ahead. I'm not going to, what was that phrase, "Pretend it didn't happen." I'm taking a stand, okay. I'm staying here, getting my diploma. Two years late but. I want to be something. I want you to look at me like I mean something."

"Not me, Jay. You just want someone. You want something like Sean and I have, and that's understandable. It's okay. But that girl isn't really me, Jay. I'm just a stand in for someone you haven't met yet."

"It IS you, Emma. Not some generic person. Sean told me about his plan to go to Alberta with his brother and open up that garage. He offered me a cut. But I can't. I can't go and—what? What's wrong, Em?"

My face was frozen in place, "Alberta? Sean never said—when?"

"Oh God. Em. I—"

"When is he going to Alberta, Jay?"

"You should talk to him about this, Emma."

"Yeah, except **he **isn't telling me and you're here, all convenient and I have a feeling that if I push just a little harder you'll crack and then I can just PRETEND I don't know about this too. Keep pretending until one day I wake up with a rent to pay on my own wondering what the hell happened." I snorted bitterly, "Maybe after we're done here I can call up Ellie and get some tips."

He looked like he wanted to stay strong but couldn't stand the lies, "This summer. When school breaks…he's going to stay with his brother until everything gets off the ground."

"Right. Thanks for stopping by."

"Emma. I didn't come here to tell you about Sean."

"Jay, you don't get to ride in on your white knight and fix what everyone else broke, okay? I'm not your responsibility."

"Broke? What are you talking about? You're perfect. You're…sunshine and…I know you don't see it and you want to have all these problems like everyone else. And I'm not saying that you don't. I'm saying—you do. Your life has been so screwed up but look at what you've done with it. Christ, Emma…your mom had you at 14 and you still turned out—I don't have any idea what I'm saying. I just…you make me feel like I can do anything. Even when you hate me, or want me gone or…just by being around me, by acknowledging my existence…you make everything feel want more…to _be _more."

I blinked at him, unbelieving. Where was this side of him coming from? Why did I want to kiss him? And why didn't I feel guilty for it? "Jay…you should go."

"I'm pouring my heart out to you and—"

"Jay, Sean and I have some stuff that has to happen. I have to…deal with that before I can…deal with this. Okay? I can't put you first here. But you have my word that I'm going to think about this. I'm going to think about the things you said."

"Yeah? Do me a favor?"

"What, Jay?" I asked with exasperation.

"Think about _me_ too. Not just my words, or the fact that I showed up here, like this. Think about…think about what you felt like kissing me. A little dangerous, but good, right? Think about maybe. Being with me for real."

"We never kissed, Jay. There were blow jobs, and misplaced anger, fists slamming walls behind me but we never—"

"Hopefully, you'll give me time to make up for that."

I just stood there, slack jawed as he sauntered back out the way he came in. "Jay? I called right before the door shut.

"Yeah, Em?"

"You had virtue too. I um—it's what attracted me to you in the first place."

His voice was quiet, "Thank you," and then he was gone.

Manny showed up fifteen minutes later, "Oh my God. I am so late. Do you hate me for abandoning you in your time of need?"

"My time of need?"

"You said you made some huge mistake and that you really needed your best friend." She paused for a while, "You're pregnant, right?"

I blinked several times. "No Manny, I'm not PREGNANT. My God. How is that the first conclusion you jump to?"

"I have caller ID. You called me from that clinic on Third Street."

"It's a women's health clinic. They cover more than pregnancy there. I'm volunteering…I'm the proxy for a group like the one I was in after Rick…you thought I was _pregnant_."

"Again…you called me from the women's health clinic. I was **hoping **you were pregnant. My only other option was you had hooked up with Jay and earned another _lovely _parting gift: Chlamydia anyone?"

I looked down at my shoes, "Manny…"

"No! No way! You and HOGART? Come on, Em…don't you remember the hell he put you through last year?"

"I'd like to start out by saying that this meeting was made before Jay came over here and professed his, and I quote, undying like, for me."

"Undying like? He used those words? Because I'm having a hard time picturing Jay—"

"I know! It's hilarious right. On to my second point: Craig Manning."

"What about him?"

"We're filing him under "Boys that put us through hell that we end up going back to." I mean…if Craig can change…so can Jay."

"That's just it. I'm not so sure he can change. He flirts with Ellie. A lot. Right in front of me, even. And I just—love him but he is such a jerk."

"He's busy in Vancouver. It's probably hard, you know. His friends probably make him feel at home. But with you, it hurts more to hear your voice and know you're so far away. Like…he can have "friend" over the phone but "love of his life" is something the phone just makes hurt worse."

Manny arched an eyebrow with a skeptical look, "Did he tell you to say that?"

"No. God, when do I talk to Manning? I was watching Angie and she mentioned how sad they were that Craig never calls. She said she hears about how he's doing when Jim and Ash stop by…cause he's always calling Jimmy. Hey, do you think _they _flirt when they're on the phone together?"

"Emma—"

"I'm just saying, it'd be hot. The emo rockstar falling for the wounded basketball star. Both former boyfriends of Ashley Kerwin…forced to hide their love away through all those late night rehearsals while they were trying to make it big."

"Emma," Manny laughed flopping onto the couch, "stop it."

"Then, years later, Craig's on stage accepting a Grammy and he flounders his speech…becoming utterly silent as he realizes the one thing he needs…he had all along," Emma quirked a grin out of the side of her mouth, "Jimmy Brooks, man!"

We dissolved into laughter, "I hope I can work my magic like you just did with my problem."

"Yeah," I sighed haggardly, "me too."

"So? What is it?"

"One of the girls in this group. She was raped, right. And now she's cutting herself. Saying shit like how she doesn't want to be pretty…it's safer if everyone thinks she's ugly, cause then they won't touch her anymore."

"I get that it's creepy but, Em…what does it have to do with you?"

"I didn't think anything but. Yesterday morning I noticed I was eating rice cakes for breakfast. And skipping lunch. And for dinner, Sean made cheesy potatoes au gratin. I counted the potato slices as I ate them…24…a nice, even number. I think…I mean, I know, that this whole situation is triggering."

"Maybe you should withdraw from the program."

"Manny—"

"No, just listen…maybe you aren't…_stable _enough to be guiding other people through these things. I know that sucks. I get that but. Em, you can't save the world. You aren't…indestructible…despite what you think."

"I don't think that."

"Then why? Why even decide to go through with this job?"

"I need closure."

She nodded, "Closure on the Rick thing?"

"And. You know. I've been sexually assaulted twice in my life. Rick _and_ Jordan. And I know that people don't count Rick because—he didn't—I. I looked into his eyes, Manny and there was all this pain. Dangerous pain. I didn't know what to expect from him. I didn't know what he _wouldn't _do, you know?"

"I don't. I almost wish I did. So I could help you through this."

"Sean's moving to Alberta."

"What? When did he decide this?"

"Months ago, apparently."

"How do you know?"

"Jay just inadvertently told me. Sean asked him to go. Sean asked _Jay _to go and he hasn't even mentioned it to me."

"Maybe he just _assumed _you go. Like, of course you'd follow him across the world, you're his _girl._"

"I'm not his girl, Manny."

"You know what I mean."

"I know what you mean _and _I disagree. You know, like when we were kids."

"And you had that horribly large, uncomfortable stick up your ass? I do remember."

I laughed, bending into her, "Yes, those were the days. Anyway, my point is this: Sean and I love each other. We have loved each other for a very long time. Since we were kids. But that's not all it takes to make a relationship work. It's not just about how long you've known someone. Like me and you…we change, and then we adapt to those changes. Granted maybe the reason we first started adapting was the time. Did we _really _want to break in a new best friend after all these years? But still, we got to know eachother all over again, because we wanted to still be a part of each other's lives."

"You and Sean don't renovate?"

"We do, I think. We just don't talk about it."

"Which is basically like not doing it at all."

I nodded and looked over towards the kitchen of the apartment. "I love him. But he never lets me in. And I'm not used to that. I don't understand how he went from the Sean I knew, so well, that confided in me about everything, to the Sean that just assumes I'll figure it out on my own."

"Just out of curiosity…did you feel this way before Hogart's grand declaration?"

"Yes. I mean…God, Manny, when I was telling him to leave I wasn't even telling him we couldn't be together…just that I had to end things with Sean first. Because I don't want Sean to think it's Jay's fault."

"I didn't mean _that _declaration…I meant, did you think these things before he told you Sean was moving to Alberta?"

"Yes. I'd never had it confirmed in such a staggeringly horrible way, but I felt it, in the back of my heart. It kept me up at night. Like when I'm dealing with this thing at the clinic. He just keeps kissing my forehead and saying, "You'll figure it out, I know you will." Like believing in me is all it takes. Like I'm some freaking superhero with no kryptonite and he can—the world can—just keep throwing punches at me and _of course _I'm going to pop back up."

"So you know what you need to do then. If you aren't happy."

"Yeah. But. How? How do you tell someone that definitely still loves you with everything in them that…that _love _simply isn't enough."

Manny choked a laugh out and put her hand over mine, "Yeah, I'd definitely not use _those _words."

Thirty minutes later Manny left. I told her I'd drive myself to the movie. Sean and I needed to talk. I think he knew something was wrong when I showed up alone, "We're not going to the movie, are we?"

"I don't think we should, no."

"Is something wrong with Manny?"

"No."

"Then what?"

"Something's wrong with _us _Sean. You don't. I don't." I calmed myself before looking into his eyes, "When were you going to tell me about Alberta?"

"Al—I. Did Tracker call the house?"

"No. Jay told me. None of that is nearly as important right now as why _you _didn't."

"I wanted to. I was going to. You have to believe me. But I didn't want you to feel obligated to me…I wanted you to pick your school and your dream and just go after it because you're so much better than it all. You deserve _exactly _what you want."

"I _want _a family, Sean. I want a family and I want to be included in the decisions that family makes. What were you going to do if I decided to stay here for school?"

"We'd work it out. We'd figure it out."

I rolled my eyes at his stupid mantra, "Stop saying that! Damnit Sean! Nothing everything just falls into place. It takes time. And WORK, more work than you seem to be willing to put in."

"More? _MORE? _Christ Emma, what more could you possibly want from me."

My eyes darted around at the strangers that were beginning to watch our fight. "I want you to never run out of things to give. To always find something new to share with me."

"Emma—"

"I want you to stop telling me I can make it work because I _can't _Sean. Maybe I could with a little help with. Maybe _WE _could but _me _all by myself? I can't do it alone. History speaks for itself."

"I don't know if I have anything left to give you, Emma. Just the same old things, unconditional love and…this," he stopped speaking to pull a ring out of his pocket. "I was going to ask you to marry me tonight. Manny helped me pick out the ring and I wanted it to be perfect so I—God, I believe in us, Em. I believe in _you_. How strong you are, capable, amazing—"

"No you don't. You just don't believe in anything else either."

"I _believe _that there is a reason we keep finding our way back to eachother."

"So do I…I just don't believe it's a very good one."

"So what? You'll find some other guy and live this mediocre life—"

"That's what I _want _Sean. Cutting coupons, working at my desk with just the computer on because it's two a.m. and the rest of the house is in bed. Telling my children to turn of the television and open a book. Fighting with my husband because the soap I put in the bathroom is too girly."

"You deserve so much more. You are _worth _so much more."

"And yet, I want what I want."

"I am never going to stop loving you."

"I'm sorry."

"Whatever. I'll be out of the apartment by the end of the week."

"You don't have—"

"I was only putting off the move for you, Emma. There's nothing tying me here."

"Okay."

"Okay? _Okay?_ God Emma, would it kill you to fight for us?"

"Again, Sean. The appropriate question is, "Would it kill you to fight for us **again**, Emma?" And you know what? I think it might. I'm going to stay with Manny for a few days."

True to his word, Sean was gone in just a few days. And, true to _his _word, Jay let me think things through. It was almost two months before I sought him out. "Jay," I said looking at the crown of his head where he was bent forward fiddling with the cash register.

His head jolted up, "Emma! Hey…you look…" he trailed off warily, "like crap. I mean—uh—let me get cleaned up and I'll be right out." I watched him disappear behind the kitchen doors of The Dot. I stewed silently while I waited for him.

How could I possibly look like crap? What did that even mean? My internal monologue was cut short by his voice, "Hey, let's sit over here. You hungry?"

"Actually, yeah, I kinda am."

He cracked that toothy grin at me, "Good, cause this is my dinner break and it'd be rude to eat if you weren't eating."

"Right so, go tell Spin to make two of whatever you're having. And then, when you get back you can explain that "You look like crap" comment. I mean, really Jay, if _this _is your A-material? It's no wonder you're still single."

He laughed, lightly, but it was far from care-free. When he came back he picked my hand up off the table, "Earlier, I didn't mean to say what I did. I was just so shocked. You look impossibly worn out, Em. Like…" he trailed off and I could tell he was trying to be delicate, "Are you getting enough sleep?"

"The Jay Hogart I am familiar with never was this considerate with me. Never _noticed _me this way."

"Trust me, I noticed. I noticed everything I could about you I was just too incompetent to say anything constructive."

"Well, I'm getting sleep. Whether or not it constitutes "Enough" I'm not really sure. I will say this, I was hoping to go on a few more dates before I started telling you the intimate details of my life."

"Well, maybe if you hadn't waited two months to call me…"

"Well maybe if you hadn't waited two years to TELL me..."

"Right, so, we both could have been better. Skip to the part where you aren't getting enough sleep at night."

"I work as a proxy for a rape counseling group."

"That must be hard for you."

"It got easier. Really. It did. Until—one of a rape victim's biggest fears is that their attacker will come back for them."

"Understandable. I don't—I don't think I'd be strong enough to survive something like that. My mother was. Uh. She and my father both—they used to get high and smack each other around. I swear I thought it was normal until I was six or seven." He laughed then, a truly hallow sound, "I know it sounds so stupid but I actually didn't think anything of it until my kindergarten teacher gave us that "If someone is hurting you, you need to tell someone" speech. I mean, so my father hit me, he hit my mother too. My mother hit back. That's what people that loved eachother did."

My eyes trailed up his neck until I was looking into his eyes, "Jay—"

"It sounds so ridiculous now but. I thought it was like hugging or something."

There was that laugh again and I reached my hand across the table, "It doesn't sound stupid, Jay. It sounds like you grew up in an impossibly hard situation that you had to make the best of."

"Except I didn't make the best of it. Not really…I let it control me, shape who I was, for far too long. I guess my point is that I understand where those girls are coming from. My parents have been dead for years and sometimes when it gets too dark I can still see them running towards me ready to strike. Is that—do you have nightmares about Rick?"

"Yes. But. I—when I was in 7th grade there was this guy I met on the internet. I thought he was my age and…I thought everything was harmless. I went to meet him but it was—this guy was like 30 and he had me locked in this hotel room. He was going to video tape it. I—sometimes I have these nightmares that Manny, JT, and Toby didn't get help in time. That he did it and there's this video online of me being—I know it's stupid but I can't. Anyway, this girl, one of the girls in my group. Her rapist _did _come back. He was stalking her for months I guess, waiting for the perfect opportunity to—I had to tell her, three weeks ago, we had to ask her no to come to the support group anymore. Because she was scaring the other girls, completely de-railing their progress."

"Shit," Jay muttered. "I'm sorry Emma but that's really fucked up. I mean, when she needs support the most you guys just—"

"I know. They said she could still go to one-on-one sessions but. I—forget this new fear I have of Jordan finding me when he's released. I hate that fucking policy and I can't believe they made _me _tell her. God, if Mya kills herself I don't know what—wow. I cannot believe this is our first date."

Jay laughed, "If it makes you feel better I _feel _like we've been dating forever. I like that this rhythm is easy to fall into."

Spinner walked over to the table with the food, "Jay, you're my friend, truly. But if you ever make me keep the kitchen open late for a girl again…I will end you. Got it?"

"Keep the—you said it was your dinner break!"

Jay shrugged, "Food's free here. Why don't you let the boys go home. I'll clean the dishes and everything."

"You think you're slick but I know you're just trying to make sure they like you more than me."

"Spinner, it's no contest. I'm the fun manager…ask around."

Thirty minutes later Spinner waved to us as he headed out to his car. I followed Jay back into the kitchen and watched him wash our plates off and leave them to dry. He smiled and moved towards me, "Dessert?"

My heart caught in my throat. One the first date? I swallowed and blushed deeply. I had only been with Sean and. "Emma?" I turned to his voice. "Do you want dessert? The chocolate cake is amazing." He was standing in front of a large cooler with two small plates. I chuckled into my hands and looked away as it grew into a guffaw.

"What?" he asked, "What? Do I have something on my face?" His hands moved to his mouth as I doubled over holding my side.

"No, I thought. I thought you meant like…_dessert_. Like, you know…let's-go-back-to-my-place."

He shook his head, smiling, "Just out of curiosity—"

She laughed and grabbed one of the plates, "No."

"Okay then…chocolate cake or seven-layer mango mousse?"


End file.
